On December 30th of 2020 at 9 weeks & 5 days pregnant I went in for our second appointment for baby number four with my normal OBGYN doctor. A day that was supposed to be filled with the joy and excitement of seeing your new baby for the first time. The Possibility of being able to hear that first heartbeat. But instead, we got the opposite there was heartbreak, sorrow, the pain of loss. This was the day we found out that sometime within the last few days before my appointment our new bundle of joy had passed. 
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Heartbroken, depressed, confused, numb, empty, and embarrassed I left the doctor's office and headed home to break the news to my husband and our other 3 children. As I pulled up our driveway, putting the car in park I couldn't find the will to get out and go inside. I just sat there trying so hard not to cry while all the while feeling numb to the world. That same day I went back in for a D&C before the holiday weekend to avoid the pain of birthing our lost baby at home with the possibility of having to do it alone if my husband happened to be at work when it happens.

That same evening sitting in my hospital room waiting for my D&C my mind was racing going a million miles an hour. Questioning everything, every decision, wondering what if they were wrong about our baby being gone. Doctors came and went in and out of our room some taking my vitals or labs. While others were going over the process of a D&C and the paperwork I needed to sign. Even though I heard and responded to everything that was being said it all still felt like a dream. Finally, the time came to go back for surgery, and as I lay there slowly drifting out of consciousness my mind raced around telling me over and over again I'm just dreaming this isn't real, their wrong our baby isn't gone, this was a mistake and then it was over. I spent the next few hours resting in the room feeling emotionally numb, still feeling as if I was dreaming. The ride home was eerily quiet neither one of us knew what to say to one another to make us feel better. 

A couple of days post-surgery I ended up having complications from the D&C. This ended up sending me back to the hospital for a few days giving a rocky start for the emotionally healing of the loss. Around two weeks post-surgery I started physically feeling better and was ready to try and focus on my emotional healing. Through prayer & devotion, and burying myself into the process of all-natural soap making and through this process, I started to feel somewhat of a weight lifted off my shoulders. I had found so much joy in making soap from scratch that I ended up making so much soap it was coming out of my ears. Leading me to give out samples to my family and friends still, I had so much soap laying around. But I could not stop making soap there were just so many different ways to make it and so many new things to learn about it. Making all-natural soap also was lead me to want to learn more. I wanted to know what else I could make out of all-natural ingredients for people to use on their hair, skin, and more.
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While I still may not understand the Lord's reason for calling our child home, and while the pain of losing our fourth child is still an emotional struggle I know He is watching over my family & me. Through His Love, He had blessed me with a newfound passion leading me through the slow process of healing from loss. Which then lead me to create an amazing new business. Giving me the ability to share His love and my passion with the rest of the world. And one day I hope my story & the process of how I healed will be able to be used to help other mothers. Mothers who struggle with the same loss and feelings of miscarriage. And that it helps to guide them through this process of healing the way it did for me when we lost our fourth child.